As someone who doesn't like to seek or give advice (as you know), I believe you will come out refreshed and more centered from these 30 days. It's hard to fight an urge, whatever it may be, as you always feel (or assume) you're acting in good faith. Or you construct a good faith behavior in your mind when in reality there isn't one (but you don't even know; it's unconscious). I for one put a tremendous amount of value on making mistakes, and even when I feel a genuine urge to give advice (like with my kids -- that has to be the most genuine urge to give advice that there is), I build a resistance in my head to force myself to let go of it and just observe, and be. I think that it's hard to know who you're really dealing with, even with close friends. They may have the most diverse (and hidden and private) motives. I loved this essay, Michelle. These themes are so profound and your writing is always so beautiful and effective. :)
I went back to read your first essay Silvio, and I thought, if he can resist the urge to tell all these people how to live there life, I have no excuse! I have really appreciated your insights both before writing the essay and in this very thorough comment. It’s true, the self control to allow others to live life and make their own mistakes is so powerful.
Love this piece, such a profound self-reflection and awareness. It reminds me of the practices from Rik’s supportive conversation sessions where you literally only do 3 things when the other is speaking: 1 sit in silence 2 repeat back exactly and 3 say ‘so what you’re saying is ( and repeat back exactly). Often this is what the speaker needs most. It is hard to do and enjoyable to practice. Looking forward to hearing the results of your 30 day trial :) (although you do give great advice!)
I think you're right Kelly, this is a very reliable approach for staying clean and most helpful in terms of supporting others. And I agree, Rik presents how to do this very well.
Thank you Kelly! It’s funny you mention Rik, because looking back, I think hearing his methodology was the first seed that planted the idea that I may not be as great of a listener as I thought. I’m glad you shared them here!
As a lawyer training to be a coach, going from giving advice all the time to not giving advice as a starting point was really tough. Two of the best words a teacher in Motivational Interviewing shared with me that really helped my righting reflex were “compassionate curiosity”. In other words, what can I be curious about rather than what do I have to be right about. It freed up me!
And I love the curiosity you’ve brought out in yourself in writing this essay. Wonderful to see that.
I can imagine that's a tough shift, Eric and I appreciate that you shared what worked for you. I read it out loud to my sister (who's also doing this challenge with me) and we both loved the idea of "compassionate curiosity". I think that's the thing I feel like I've lost a little bit as I've started to jump more to advice giving. Going to try that reframe in my next conversation!
Lovely to hear that struck a chord with you and your sis, too!
I get the "thing I feel like I've lost a little bit". I noticed a sense of relief and ease as the curiosity became more and more of a starting place. And strangely it because addictive because it was so freeing for me and the recipient!
I'd love to hear what you and your sister notice as well!
Not an easy task to execute as it will change how you approach various conversations.
What I've learned is to ask for permission before providing advice. Are you searching for my advice?, Would you like my perspective?, etc., help guide the conversation, especially around close friends and family. Only when I receive permission do I provide ideas, solutions, or advice for the individual. I also tend to repeat the issue or problem, but that's my years of sales background coming through. Ha!
Good essay and your doing really well finding a "flow" in the delivery of your words.
I like the idea of asking permission, and it seems like even then you lean more on active listening. Haha, sales does help a lot! I think I’d have no concept of listening and asking questions if I didn’t have some of that training. Actually, while I’m in my stage of not giving advice, I should review and lean back on those strategies!
What a fantastic challenge of pattern interruption to take on. Advice fasting. I suspect, however, that the people in the world who we all wish would refrain from spewing their advice so freely are not as self-aware as you, and in fact, it would never cross their minds to keep it to themselves. I see others are resonating with your comments and the style of your upbringing, but it was the opposite for me. No one ever gave anyone advice, and there is another kind of pain, loss, and disorientation that comes with an absence of mirroring and guidance—especially from parents to children. I actually think that the right path regarding advice giving is unfortunately not clearly marked, ambiguous and vague, and that it is situation and relationship specific—the right path being somewhere in between the extremes. As a parent of three kids, I can attest to the fact that it not an easy balance to strike, but I also think it's exactly people like you, capable of self awareness and self reflection, who stand the best chance of pulling it off. I'll bet your friends need and benefit from your feedback quite often. And then there's always a fine line. But I'm definitely not giving you any advice. : )
I think you’re right Rick, 😆 the worst offenders may not have a similar realization in this lifetime. Maybe it’s more align to their core selves too. It’s so interesting to hear about you’re own upbringing! I think unsolicited advice is the backbone of Indian culture, so the opposite side is foreign to me. But I think you’re right, there must be a middle ground. I still love having the option to go to my parents or others for advice and appreciate their inputs. I hope my friends do too :) and every now and then it’s probably good to reign myself in and make sure my intentions are pure.
Your vulnerability is resonating with me, MV. I give unsolicited advice without realizing and I find that I have to backtrack and apologize to my friends for giving them a mini-TED talk.
Your mom reminds me of my mom. Fiercely compassionate and protective. And she’s a nurse too :)
I love hearing that about your mom, nursing mamas unite! I’m happy to hear the essay resonated. I am exactly guilty of doing the same thing, well meaning advice turns into a mini TED talk way to easily for me. I do think it comes from a place of caring too!
Ooo what a banger. Really got me thinking, so much so I'm back here three hours after I first read it. :)
It made me wonder: is it really superiority? I was raised by similar parents - they hate to see us or even their own peers/siblings make mistakes. But I don't know if it's that they think they are right and thus superior, or that they think they're safe and thus right.
I've come to see it as more an anxiety to ensure we don't err in the ways they already know not to. As if staying alive, staying safe, never falling and never failing are the only ways to live. Which I can kind of understand because well... look at the lives they came from?
Looking forward to hearing what comes of your 30 day experiment! <3
What a compliment Malavika! You bring up a good question that I’m not sure I have the answer too. I do think you’re right, a lot of it is anxiety driven. That’s part of the reason I’d like to rid myself of this urge too. I don’t know if it is serving anyone if I am coming from a place of anxiety.
Anxiety serves a purpose. There are good reasons to be anxious. But the world is not controllable. People learn that sooner or later. And you have to let go.
hehehe ❤️ I mean, I myself on somedays feel like this is the easiest thing in the world and on others can barely control myself. Though, it's nice to see that when I can be curious over bossy, the conversation goes in a more satisfying direction.
this is so interesting to read about because I think about this issue A LOT.
Sometimes, when people dump advice on me it feels like they were just waiting for the moment where they get to explode and project what they think onto me, or anyone, and I just happened to be there, and it almost makes me less excited to have conversations, which are my favorite thing--because it feels like some people treat them as a means to just do that and that sucks. 😵💫
I'm glad someone else thinks about this a lot too haha! And it's good to hear this because I agree with your perspective coming from both sides. That's why when I find myself as the advice dumper, I want to make sure I'm checking in with myself and seeing what's really going on. It's never black or white, but even now I'm realizing a lot of times it's not necessary to jump in to fix something and the conversation does feel fulfilling without it.
What I’ve observed in our generation is that people (including me) have become less welcoming toward advice. It wasn’t in previous generations.
I remember hating getting unsolicited advice when my son was born, and now on enrolling him in school and about his education. It was because I am an active reader of parenting and childhood education, so I believed that I already knew the stuff.
I only enjoy advice when it comes from a person I admire or when I need it.
But I like to give advice whenever I see a potential for improvement or believe it is necessary to intervene. It’s up to the person, leave it or take it.
This brings me to a question, why did the previous generation (our parents, grandparents) happily welcome advice from others and we usually do not enjoy it?
It’s a scary and difficult thing haha! I catch myself a lot.
I love your thoughts here, I’ve been ruminating over some of the ideas you introduced. My own parents are pretty stubborn, so I don’t know how open they’ve been to advice, but I agree with your sentiment.
I’m wondering if there’s something about the access to information that we have that makes us hesitant to take a unsolicited advice. There’s a paradox I think. Every human can be proven wrong with a quick google search (especially for subjective things) and yet I see more people swayed by one random video or article on the internet. Maybe a generation ago people only had access to what people told them, and after seeing we’re all doing ok, they realize there’s no need to over optimize. I have a million different diverging thoughts here, you’ve inspired me a lot with your comment! Thank you!
We all have our own subjective realities on what is true. Google search is not the truth. That's something that took me a while to learn.
And I don't get the hype around romanticizing past generations. I am Gen Z and I love it! We are the most connected, culturally-aware, sociable generation to live on this Earth.
Lastly, when people give advice, their intent is usually good. Whether you listen to it or not is up to you. But let's not demonize advice-givers.
Loved this Michelle (and the picture made laugh a lot hahaha), also loved the challenge.
You made me think that "Not giving advice" even has further ramifications on just loving the person in front of you as it is, without having to pass judgement on every action or decision. I've been trying to do this with my dad lately, and with your suggestion, will try it out with more people :)
I almost forgot about the picture! I’m glad it gave you a laugh.
That’s beautifully said Oscar, and I’m impressed you’ve been starting with your dad. I find holding my tongue with my parents is the hardest part of all of this! Let me know how it goes with others :)
Well... yesterday I made a remark to my dad I shouldn't have done haha but now when I do I think of your article and that will be helpful going forward, work-in-progress but at least working on it ;)
As someone who doesn't like to seek or give advice (as you know), I believe you will come out refreshed and more centered from these 30 days. It's hard to fight an urge, whatever it may be, as you always feel (or assume) you're acting in good faith. Or you construct a good faith behavior in your mind when in reality there isn't one (but you don't even know; it's unconscious). I for one put a tremendous amount of value on making mistakes, and even when I feel a genuine urge to give advice (like with my kids -- that has to be the most genuine urge to give advice that there is), I build a resistance in my head to force myself to let go of it and just observe, and be. I think that it's hard to know who you're really dealing with, even with close friends. They may have the most diverse (and hidden and private) motives. I loved this essay, Michelle. These themes are so profound and your writing is always so beautiful and effective. :)
I went back to read your first essay Silvio, and I thought, if he can resist the urge to tell all these people how to live there life, I have no excuse! I have really appreciated your insights both before writing the essay and in this very thorough comment. It’s true, the self control to allow others to live life and make their own mistakes is so powerful.
Michelle! Are you sure you were not writing about me? If not, I think she and I must be related - the description is too on point!
😆 I think I’m every person in this essay to be honest! I’m happy to hear it resonated!
Love this piece, such a profound self-reflection and awareness. It reminds me of the practices from Rik’s supportive conversation sessions where you literally only do 3 things when the other is speaking: 1 sit in silence 2 repeat back exactly and 3 say ‘so what you’re saying is ( and repeat back exactly). Often this is what the speaker needs most. It is hard to do and enjoyable to practice. Looking forward to hearing the results of your 30 day trial :) (although you do give great advice!)
I think you're right Kelly, this is a very reliable approach for staying clean and most helpful in terms of supporting others. And I agree, Rik presents how to do this very well.
Thank you Kelly! It’s funny you mention Rik, because looking back, I think hearing his methodology was the first seed that planted the idea that I may not be as great of a listener as I thought. I’m glad you shared them here!
As a lawyer training to be a coach, going from giving advice all the time to not giving advice as a starting point was really tough. Two of the best words a teacher in Motivational Interviewing shared with me that really helped my righting reflex were “compassionate curiosity”. In other words, what can I be curious about rather than what do I have to be right about. It freed up me!
And I love the curiosity you’ve brought out in yourself in writing this essay. Wonderful to see that.
I can imagine that's a tough shift, Eric and I appreciate that you shared what worked for you. I read it out loud to my sister (who's also doing this challenge with me) and we both loved the idea of "compassionate curiosity". I think that's the thing I feel like I've lost a little bit as I've started to jump more to advice giving. Going to try that reframe in my next conversation!
Lovely to hear that struck a chord with you and your sis, too!
I get the "thing I feel like I've lost a little bit". I noticed a sense of relief and ease as the curiosity became more and more of a starting place. And strangely it because addictive because it was so freeing for me and the recipient!
I'd love to hear what you and your sister notice as well!
Not an easy task to execute as it will change how you approach various conversations.
What I've learned is to ask for permission before providing advice. Are you searching for my advice?, Would you like my perspective?, etc., help guide the conversation, especially around close friends and family. Only when I receive permission do I provide ideas, solutions, or advice for the individual. I also tend to repeat the issue or problem, but that's my years of sales background coming through. Ha!
Good essay and your doing really well finding a "flow" in the delivery of your words.
I like the idea of asking permission, and it seems like even then you lean more on active listening. Haha, sales does help a lot! I think I’d have no concept of listening and asking questions if I didn’t have some of that training. Actually, while I’m in my stage of not giving advice, I should review and lean back on those strategies!
Great combination of strategies Brent.
What a fantastic challenge of pattern interruption to take on. Advice fasting. I suspect, however, that the people in the world who we all wish would refrain from spewing their advice so freely are not as self-aware as you, and in fact, it would never cross their minds to keep it to themselves. I see others are resonating with your comments and the style of your upbringing, but it was the opposite for me. No one ever gave anyone advice, and there is another kind of pain, loss, and disorientation that comes with an absence of mirroring and guidance—especially from parents to children. I actually think that the right path regarding advice giving is unfortunately not clearly marked, ambiguous and vague, and that it is situation and relationship specific—the right path being somewhere in between the extremes. As a parent of three kids, I can attest to the fact that it not an easy balance to strike, but I also think it's exactly people like you, capable of self awareness and self reflection, who stand the best chance of pulling it off. I'll bet your friends need and benefit from your feedback quite often. And then there's always a fine line. But I'm definitely not giving you any advice. : )
I think you’re right Rick, 😆 the worst offenders may not have a similar realization in this lifetime. Maybe it’s more align to their core selves too. It’s so interesting to hear about you’re own upbringing! I think unsolicited advice is the backbone of Indian culture, so the opposite side is foreign to me. But I think you’re right, there must be a middle ground. I still love having the option to go to my parents or others for advice and appreciate their inputs. I hope my friends do too :) and every now and then it’s probably good to reign myself in and make sure my intentions are pure.
Yes, your approach seems well informed, balanced and likely to bring more great results (and friends) into your life.
Your vulnerability is resonating with me, MV. I give unsolicited advice without realizing and I find that I have to backtrack and apologize to my friends for giving them a mini-TED talk.
Your mom reminds me of my mom. Fiercely compassionate and protective. And she’s a nurse too :)
I love hearing that about your mom, nursing mamas unite! I’m happy to hear the essay resonated. I am exactly guilty of doing the same thing, well meaning advice turns into a mini TED talk way to easily for me. I do think it comes from a place of caring too!
Ooo what a banger. Really got me thinking, so much so I'm back here three hours after I first read it. :)
It made me wonder: is it really superiority? I was raised by similar parents - they hate to see us or even their own peers/siblings make mistakes. But I don't know if it's that they think they are right and thus superior, or that they think they're safe and thus right.
I've come to see it as more an anxiety to ensure we don't err in the ways they already know not to. As if staying alive, staying safe, never falling and never failing are the only ways to live. Which I can kind of understand because well... look at the lives they came from?
Looking forward to hearing what comes of your 30 day experiment! <3
What a compliment Malavika! You bring up a good question that I’m not sure I have the answer too. I do think you’re right, a lot of it is anxiety driven. That’s part of the reason I’d like to rid myself of this urge too. I don’t know if it is serving anyone if I am coming from a place of anxiety.
Anxiety serves a purpose. There are good reasons to be anxious. But the world is not controllable. People learn that sooner or later. And you have to let go.
"Sweetly Waiting To Give Unsolicited Advice" lololololol
a whole lotta people could benefit from that 30 day challenge.👀
hehehe ❤️ I mean, I myself on somedays feel like this is the easiest thing in the world and on others can barely control myself. Though, it's nice to see that when I can be curious over bossy, the conversation goes in a more satisfying direction.
unlearning things is hard!!!
this is so interesting to read about because I think about this issue A LOT.
Sometimes, when people dump advice on me it feels like they were just waiting for the moment where they get to explode and project what they think onto me, or anyone, and I just happened to be there, and it almost makes me less excited to have conversations, which are my favorite thing--because it feels like some people treat them as a means to just do that and that sucks. 😵💫
I'm glad someone else thinks about this a lot too haha! And it's good to hear this because I agree with your perspective coming from both sides. That's why when I find myself as the advice dumper, I want to make sure I'm checking in with myself and seeing what's really going on. It's never black or white, but even now I'm realizing a lot of times it's not necessary to jump in to fix something and the conversation does feel fulfilling without it.
No waaaayy!!!!
A month without giving advice 😬
What I’ve observed in our generation is that people (including me) have become less welcoming toward advice. It wasn’t in previous generations.
I remember hating getting unsolicited advice when my son was born, and now on enrolling him in school and about his education. It was because I am an active reader of parenting and childhood education, so I believed that I already knew the stuff.
I only enjoy advice when it comes from a person I admire or when I need it.
But I like to give advice whenever I see a potential for improvement or believe it is necessary to intervene. It’s up to the person, leave it or take it.
This brings me to a question, why did the previous generation (our parents, grandparents) happily welcome advice from others and we usually do not enjoy it?
It’s a scary and difficult thing haha! I catch myself a lot.
I love your thoughts here, I’ve been ruminating over some of the ideas you introduced. My own parents are pretty stubborn, so I don’t know how open they’ve been to advice, but I agree with your sentiment.
I’m wondering if there’s something about the access to information that we have that makes us hesitant to take a unsolicited advice. There’s a paradox I think. Every human can be proven wrong with a quick google search (especially for subjective things) and yet I see more people swayed by one random video or article on the internet. Maybe a generation ago people only had access to what people told them, and after seeing we’re all doing ok, they realize there’s no need to over optimize. I have a million different diverging thoughts here, you’ve inspired me a lot with your comment! Thank you!
We all have our own subjective realities on what is true. Google search is not the truth. That's something that took me a while to learn.
And I don't get the hype around romanticizing past generations. I am Gen Z and I love it! We are the most connected, culturally-aware, sociable generation to live on this Earth.
Lastly, when people give advice, their intent is usually good. Whether you listen to it or not is up to you. But let's not demonize advice-givers.
Loved this Michelle (and the picture made laugh a lot hahaha), also loved the challenge.
You made me think that "Not giving advice" even has further ramifications on just loving the person in front of you as it is, without having to pass judgement on every action or decision. I've been trying to do this with my dad lately, and with your suggestion, will try it out with more people :)
I almost forgot about the picture! I’m glad it gave you a laugh.
That’s beautifully said Oscar, and I’m impressed you’ve been starting with your dad. I find holding my tongue with my parents is the hardest part of all of this! Let me know how it goes with others :)
Well... yesterday I made a remark to my dad I shouldn't have done haha but now when I do I think of your article and that will be helpful going forward, work-in-progress but at least working on it ;)
😂 I get that
I can't speak to my parents on such matters. So be it. They'll come around if / when they do. That's what it is.