Great piece, Michelle. This a theme that’s important to me, as you know. The theme of identity and how it changes continuously over time based not only on external stimuli and events but also on your own view of yourself. When we look ourselves in the mirror, we see a whole universe evolving (or just changing) and sending you back inputs on who you are every single moment. There are “evergreen” elements that will never leave you, and fluid ones that will be shaped by whatever happens to you and your life. I like to think that the smaller the things that we choose to define ourselves, the clearer the picture we get at any point in time. Sounds paradoxical. I really enjoyed this reflection and as always your outstanding ability to put it in words.
Thank you so much Silvio! I love so may parts of your comment, I don't even know where to begin. This really made me feel the infiniteness of it all - "When we look ourselves in the mirror, we see a whole universe evolving" and I liked what you said here " I like to think that the smaller the things that we choose to define ourselves, the clearer the picture we get at any point in time." I haven't thought about how the more specific or smaller the thing we choose to define ourselves, the clearer the picture becomes. Instinctively, that makes sense to me. Almost like when you have to define a feeling, "ecstatic" or "calm" can tell us more than "happy". I appreciate the thoughtful comment as always!
Three years ago, when I left my job in software development after my son was born, and decided to devote myself to raising my child instead of becoming part of a race, the biggest issue for me was an identity crisis.
“Now if someone asks me what I do, what answer should I give?” This thought used to make my head spin.
For me, it was very difficult to separate myself from a job title and express myself.
And in all this, I had lost a lot of confidence.
It was then that I realized that the foundations of my confidence were very weak, my confidence was based on wrong and impermanent things.
My confidence was attached to my achievements, my money, and my job titles. As soon as something moved, my confidence shook.
One day, when I was feeling extremely sad, I told my husband that I didn't feel confident, even though I enjoy what I do now, which is coding or writing for toy projects, it brings me peace, but since I am not making money out of it, I don't feel confident sharing about it. So my husband said that if someone asks you now, tell them that you are a part-time software developer at x company (my husband's). Lol he tried to fake hire me and even allowed me to put it on my LinkedIn. Lol
I laughed because I knew it was a lie. And that I need to accept the truth, sooner or later, that our titles do not define us.
Transitioning is a difficult and challenging process, and I have been going through it for three years now. I have experienced an identity crisis, a sense of self-worth, and overthinking about what others might think about me. But now, I feel like I have made some progress.
I need to build my confidence and make it unshakeable. No matter who I am or what phase of life I am in, my worth is not defined by the titles attached to me. As you rightly said, these titles will keep changing.
One thing that I will teach and try to give my kids is “Unshakeable Confidence”.
Thank you SO much for such an open and honest comment, Aimen! Wow, I relate to so much of this. This part, “Now if someone asks me what I do, what answer should I give?' This thought used to make my head spin," I didn't appreciate before I left my job how much this same question would rattle around my head. And it's funny because you were and are doing so much too, but I found that a job title is a nice security blanket to make you feel worthy. I love that your husband offered to "fake" hire you. I too have wondered many times what to put on my LinkedIn profile. It's so lovely too to hear that you've made progress over the years, I relate to the progression you outlined. I almost wonder if we are all more or less destined to go through the same process. It's hard because I think the people who relate the most are the ones who've gone through it (obviously I guess) but not a lot of people in my "real life" had embarked on a similar journey. I do hope you write about this if you feel inspired, I loved your comment!
Haha thank you! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it. Who knows, maybe with some more photography practice, I can add "photographer" to the list next. Who can say what the future holds?
Ohhh ohh so much love. The piece has such depth and wisdom and somehow felt calming to read. I also love the format of toggling between your reference material in Ephron and your reflections on your lived experience as well.
Shunning labels is one way. But using labels as signposts through living and evolving is another way.
Thank you so much for the super kind comment Malavika! I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed it and that it had a calming effect. And that you enjoyed the reference material. That itself is a bit out of my style, but felt like it fit in nicely here. You last two sentences resonate so much. Shunning labels is its own task, but I like the way you wrote, "evolving" because I think that's what it really is. We are all always evolving.
So much to resonate with here Michelle. I especially relate to how, when unemployed, my identity reels from the space left by my previous title. We’re more than our jobs and this post does a fantastic job of reminding us :)
Thank you so much Jon, I'm happy to hear it resonated! We are more than our jobs, and it's hard after dedicating so much time to our jobs to step back and realize that. It can be a shock to the system, but overall I think a good identity crisis.
Wow Im glad I finally prioritised reading this first thing in the morning. What an insightful piece, Michelle! I never would have considered calling myself a writer, not in a million years if it wasn't for reading this today.
Also, is 'title transitions' your term now?? It's amazing, it's a whole book!!
Thank you so much Sri! That's so interesting to hear you wouldn't call yourself a writer before this because that's how I know you! I'm exposed to so much of your wonderful writing. I totally get it though. When I started writing, I really tried to lean into adopting the title even before I was fully comfortable with it.
"Title Transitions" was a name I quickly came up before I posted this essay haha, but I do like it. Maybe there is a whole book around this idea. I've been thinking a lot about identity since I left the standard corporate world. Plus, it's been cool to see how this topic has really resonated with so many people!
Yeah these titles play a trick on us! Even after 12 months out, I was still using ex-[previous role] to describe myself in my online bio. But I came to the same conclusion as you that we need to define our identity based on activities that bring us intrinsic joy and be aware that it evolves over time.
Thank you for your comment Alex! I was also guilty of using ex-[role] for a lot longer than I needed too. Sometimes I still debate whether or not there are places I should use those titles. Ultimately though I agree, I think shedding old titles opens us up even more for the new ones we are growing into.
Thank you Camilo! After reading your newsletter, I now understand *exactly* how much you relate. I'm so happy it came to you at the right time. It will be interesting to see your own reflections on something similar as you embark on your sabbatical!
Thank you for sharing this question and your reflections! I resonated with your experiences a lot, especially “my problem wasn’t that I didn’t have material success, my lack of confidence was coming from a lack of action.” So happy for you that you are in action in pursuing what matters to you!
Thank you so much Angie! It's so nice to hear the essay resonated. It's funny, connecting "action" and "confidence" was a big "aha!" moment for me last year and I think one of the big things that moved me into the path I'm on now. I appreciate you and all your support!
“I enjoyed sitting on the sofa, cup of chestnut tea in my hand, simply thinking. I listened to podcasts and read tons of books. I used my free time to follow my interests and another word cropped up to describe me, learner.”
Love this passage. The narrative around productivity dictates we need to be hustling 24/7 but it’s important to create space for depth by relaxing, thinking, and nourishing our curiosities. Great, thoughtful piece (as always)!
Thank you so much for the kind comment Alexandra! I totally agree, productivity and hustle culture forget how nice it is to just sit and enjoy life with no end goal.
Apr 18, 2023·edited Apr 18, 2023Liked by Michelle Elisabeth Varghese
Reading this I’m reminded of Herminia Ibarra’s book “Working Identity” She strongly believes we're made up of “multiple selves”
Here are some quotes:
“This book hinges on two disarmingly simple ideas. First, our working identity is not a hidden treasure waiting to be discovered at the very core of our inner being. Rather, it is made up of many possibilities: some tangible and concrete, defined by the things we do, the company we keep, and the stories we tell about our work and lives; others existing only in the realm of future potential and private dreams.
Second, changing careers means changing our selves. Since we are many selves, changing is not a process of swapping one identity for another but rather a transition process in which we reconfigure the full set of possibilities.”
“ We learn who we are—in practice, not in theory—by testing reality, not by looking inside”
“ To launch ourselves anew, we need to get out of our heads. We need to act.”
Thank you for your comment Ergest, I love this idea of "multiple selves." The quotes you pulled really resonate too, I'm going to have to add "Working Identity" to my read list. "Changing careers means changing our selves" wow that hits home. Also, I can't believe how many similar connections she made to identity and action. I appreciate you pulling these snippets!
This was very helpful to read Michelle, exactly what I needed. It's so necessary to be reminded that our lives are fluid, as are our self-definitions, and we have to do checkpoints in order to see where we're at. Will be doing a deeper exercise to figure out my current 5, and one that came to mind is "unproductive", in a positive angle: not being productive at generating dollars from something I'm not interested in.
Which ties with what you said about the podcast and writing not generating dollars directly, but giving you deep satisfaction. In the end is detaching you identity with your job, which you so masterfully reflected on.
And also, just happy to witness you embodying those 5 concepts so well!
PS. there you again with a great picture-caption combo! 🤣🤣🤣
Thank you so much for the thoughtful comment! Haha I'm glad you enjoyed the picture / caption, I love that we share a sense of humor in those small details. I am a big fan of this idea that the title "unproductive" is a good thing! I think I feel more comfortable with it now, but I need the reminder constantly when I want to beat myself up. I will be curious to know the other ones you choose!
😂😂 I know, we definitely share that haha and happy to confirm we're also sharing the road to unproductiveness as positive. It's something relatively new for me that I still very much struggle with, reassuring to know we're on the same path, as I also need constant reminders. And will share the rest as soon as I have them!
Beautiful share, Michelle! I’m here for the Nora Ephron fandom.
This prompted me to reflect on my own 5 words. Something that’s become clearer for me is a title creates the contrast between what is fulfilling about my work vs. what is fulfilling in other spheres. And I should be cautious of how much fulfillment I attribute to work.
When I feel that I’m putting too much of myself into work, I remind myself to untether from it and focus on my main four: sister, daughter, partner, and friend. My job can exist in the background, and I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling that way.
Thank you Rachael, and yes Nora Ephron fans unite! Wow, you really are hitting on something with this idea that the title can bring to light the difference between fulfillment in work vs other places in our life. I find sometimes my work goals have come naturally and sometimes I'll try to squish them in. The four titles you choose are so lovely, and I think shows how caring you are and how much you do value those close relationships.
I'm with Joshua in actually having an interest in your experience/insight regarding sales. Sales has become a dirty word, and you describe how unfortunate it is that you once identified as a salesperson, but as I watch you work magic in your newly chosen titles what I see is exceptional skill in the creating of relationships. Isn't that what sales is? Rather than your association with sales diminishing how you are perceived I think there is a chance you could help elevate the perception of sales by associating it with yourself and your commitment to human connection.
Rick, I appreciate you saying that! I saw your comment float in on my email and I've been noodling on ideas for articles around sales that could be fun to write. I talk down to that role in my writing, but I did like it for a long while! You're so right that sales is about creating relationships, and I do think sales helped me create better relationships. Not because of the cliche salesman troupes, but because I learned to have boundaries and have tough conversations through my sales experience too. Keep an eye out, I am motivated to write a piece around sales because of yours and Joshua's encouragement. Thank you so much for the kind words as well!
“Losing my job was the sobering realization that a large chunk of my identity was tied to how I made money. The beauty of having time off work was that I had plenty of time to sit in my existential crisis. Even though I didn’t have a job title and often questioned my purpose in life, I was happy.”
A thoughtful read and highly relatable. This is indeed inspiring me to write my own take on - “What are the five things that describes me today”.
Great piece, Michelle. This a theme that’s important to me, as you know. The theme of identity and how it changes continuously over time based not only on external stimuli and events but also on your own view of yourself. When we look ourselves in the mirror, we see a whole universe evolving (or just changing) and sending you back inputs on who you are every single moment. There are “evergreen” elements that will never leave you, and fluid ones that will be shaped by whatever happens to you and your life. I like to think that the smaller the things that we choose to define ourselves, the clearer the picture we get at any point in time. Sounds paradoxical. I really enjoyed this reflection and as always your outstanding ability to put it in words.
Thank you so much Silvio! I love so may parts of your comment, I don't even know where to begin. This really made me feel the infiniteness of it all - "When we look ourselves in the mirror, we see a whole universe evolving" and I liked what you said here " I like to think that the smaller the things that we choose to define ourselves, the clearer the picture we get at any point in time." I haven't thought about how the more specific or smaller the thing we choose to define ourselves, the clearer the picture becomes. Instinctively, that makes sense to me. Almost like when you have to define a feeling, "ecstatic" or "calm" can tell us more than "happy". I appreciate the thoughtful comment as always!
You are wise, Michelle. It took me a lot longer to come to peace with this same realization of evolution.
Thank you for saying that Karena! I think it's people like you, paving the way, that help people like me connect the dots a little faster.
OMG Michelle, Touched my heart on so many levels.
Three years ago, when I left my job in software development after my son was born, and decided to devote myself to raising my child instead of becoming part of a race, the biggest issue for me was an identity crisis.
“Now if someone asks me what I do, what answer should I give?” This thought used to make my head spin.
For me, it was very difficult to separate myself from a job title and express myself.
And in all this, I had lost a lot of confidence.
It was then that I realized that the foundations of my confidence were very weak, my confidence was based on wrong and impermanent things.
My confidence was attached to my achievements, my money, and my job titles. As soon as something moved, my confidence shook.
One day, when I was feeling extremely sad, I told my husband that I didn't feel confident, even though I enjoy what I do now, which is coding or writing for toy projects, it brings me peace, but since I am not making money out of it, I don't feel confident sharing about it. So my husband said that if someone asks you now, tell them that you are a part-time software developer at x company (my husband's). Lol he tried to fake hire me and even allowed me to put it on my LinkedIn. Lol
I laughed because I knew it was a lie. And that I need to accept the truth, sooner or later, that our titles do not define us.
Transitioning is a difficult and challenging process, and I have been going through it for three years now. I have experienced an identity crisis, a sense of self-worth, and overthinking about what others might think about me. But now, I feel like I have made some progress.
I need to build my confidence and make it unshakeable. No matter who I am or what phase of life I am in, my worth is not defined by the titles attached to me. As you rightly said, these titles will keep changing.
One thing that I will teach and try to give my kids is “Unshakeable Confidence”.
Loved this piece! ♥️
Thank you SO much for such an open and honest comment, Aimen! Wow, I relate to so much of this. This part, “Now if someone asks me what I do, what answer should I give?' This thought used to make my head spin," I didn't appreciate before I left my job how much this same question would rattle around my head. And it's funny because you were and are doing so much too, but I found that a job title is a nice security blanket to make you feel worthy. I love that your husband offered to "fake" hire you. I too have wondered many times what to put on my LinkedIn profile. It's so lovely too to hear that you've made progress over the years, I relate to the progression you outlined. I almost wonder if we are all more or less destined to go through the same process. It's hard because I think the people who relate the most are the ones who've gone through it (obviously I guess) but not a lot of people in my "real life" had embarked on a similar journey. I do hope you write about this if you feel inspired, I loved your comment!
Bold those new five!
So good Michelle. Beautiful how you’ve finessed so much into such a short piece.
Haha thank you! I'm glad to hear you enjoyed it. Who knows, maybe with some more photography practice, I can add "photographer" to the list next. Who can say what the future holds?
Ohhh ohh so much love. The piece has such depth and wisdom and somehow felt calming to read. I also love the format of toggling between your reference material in Ephron and your reflections on your lived experience as well.
Shunning labels is one way. But using labels as signposts through living and evolving is another way.
Thank you so much for the super kind comment Malavika! I'm so happy to hear you enjoyed it and that it had a calming effect. And that you enjoyed the reference material. That itself is a bit out of my style, but felt like it fit in nicely here. You last two sentences resonate so much. Shunning labels is its own task, but I like the way you wrote, "evolving" because I think that's what it really is. We are all always evolving.
So much to resonate with here Michelle. I especially relate to how, when unemployed, my identity reels from the space left by my previous title. We’re more than our jobs and this post does a fantastic job of reminding us :)
Thank you so much Jon, I'm happy to hear it resonated! We are more than our jobs, and it's hard after dedicating so much time to our jobs to step back and realize that. It can be a shock to the system, but overall I think a good identity crisis.
Wow Im glad I finally prioritised reading this first thing in the morning. What an insightful piece, Michelle! I never would have considered calling myself a writer, not in a million years if it wasn't for reading this today.
Also, is 'title transitions' your term now?? It's amazing, it's a whole book!!
Thank you so much Sri! That's so interesting to hear you wouldn't call yourself a writer before this because that's how I know you! I'm exposed to so much of your wonderful writing. I totally get it though. When I started writing, I really tried to lean into adopting the title even before I was fully comfortable with it.
"Title Transitions" was a name I quickly came up before I posted this essay haha, but I do like it. Maybe there is a whole book around this idea. I've been thinking a lot about identity since I left the standard corporate world. Plus, it's been cool to see how this topic has really resonated with so many people!
Yeah these titles play a trick on us! Even after 12 months out, I was still using ex-[previous role] to describe myself in my online bio. But I came to the same conclusion as you that we need to define our identity based on activities that bring us intrinsic joy and be aware that it evolves over time.
Thank you for your comment Alex! I was also guilty of using ex-[role] for a lot longer than I needed too. Sometimes I still debate whether or not there are places I should use those titles. Ultimately though I agree, I think shedding old titles opens us up even more for the new ones we are growing into.
I love that question. And I heavily relate to Title Transition anxiety (going through that myself). Thank you so much for writing this. I needed it.
Thank you Camilo! After reading your newsletter, I now understand *exactly* how much you relate. I'm so happy it came to you at the right time. It will be interesting to see your own reflections on something similar as you embark on your sabbatical!
Thank you for sharing this question and your reflections! I resonated with your experiences a lot, especially “my problem wasn’t that I didn’t have material success, my lack of confidence was coming from a lack of action.” So happy for you that you are in action in pursuing what matters to you!
Thank you so much Angie! It's so nice to hear the essay resonated. It's funny, connecting "action" and "confidence" was a big "aha!" moment for me last year and I think one of the big things that moved me into the path I'm on now. I appreciate you and all your support!
“I enjoyed sitting on the sofa, cup of chestnut tea in my hand, simply thinking. I listened to podcasts and read tons of books. I used my free time to follow my interests and another word cropped up to describe me, learner.”
Love this passage. The narrative around productivity dictates we need to be hustling 24/7 but it’s important to create space for depth by relaxing, thinking, and nourishing our curiosities. Great, thoughtful piece (as always)!
Thank you so much for the kind comment Alexandra! I totally agree, productivity and hustle culture forget how nice it is to just sit and enjoy life with no end goal.
Reading this I’m reminded of Herminia Ibarra’s book “Working Identity” She strongly believes we're made up of “multiple selves”
Here are some quotes:
“This book hinges on two disarmingly simple ideas. First, our working identity is not a hidden treasure waiting to be discovered at the very core of our inner being. Rather, it is made up of many possibilities: some tangible and concrete, defined by the things we do, the company we keep, and the stories we tell about our work and lives; others existing only in the realm of future potential and private dreams.
Second, changing careers means changing our selves. Since we are many selves, changing is not a process of swapping one identity for another but rather a transition process in which we reconfigure the full set of possibilities.”
“ We learn who we are—in practice, not in theory—by testing reality, not by looking inside”
“ To launch ourselves anew, we need to get out of our heads. We need to act.”
Thank you for your comment Ergest, I love this idea of "multiple selves." The quotes you pulled really resonate too, I'm going to have to add "Working Identity" to my read list. "Changing careers means changing our selves" wow that hits home. Also, I can't believe how many similar connections she made to identity and action. I appreciate you pulling these snippets!
This was very helpful to read Michelle, exactly what I needed. It's so necessary to be reminded that our lives are fluid, as are our self-definitions, and we have to do checkpoints in order to see where we're at. Will be doing a deeper exercise to figure out my current 5, and one that came to mind is "unproductive", in a positive angle: not being productive at generating dollars from something I'm not interested in.
Which ties with what you said about the podcast and writing not generating dollars directly, but giving you deep satisfaction. In the end is detaching you identity with your job, which you so masterfully reflected on.
And also, just happy to witness you embodying those 5 concepts so well!
PS. there you again with a great picture-caption combo! 🤣🤣🤣
Thank you so much for the thoughtful comment! Haha I'm glad you enjoyed the picture / caption, I love that we share a sense of humor in those small details. I am a big fan of this idea that the title "unproductive" is a good thing! I think I feel more comfortable with it now, but I need the reminder constantly when I want to beat myself up. I will be curious to know the other ones you choose!
😂😂 I know, we definitely share that haha and happy to confirm we're also sharing the road to unproductiveness as positive. It's something relatively new for me that I still very much struggle with, reassuring to know we're on the same path, as I also need constant reminders. And will share the rest as soon as I have them!
Beautiful share, Michelle! I’m here for the Nora Ephron fandom.
This prompted me to reflect on my own 5 words. Something that’s become clearer for me is a title creates the contrast between what is fulfilling about my work vs. what is fulfilling in other spheres. And I should be cautious of how much fulfillment I attribute to work.
When I feel that I’m putting too much of myself into work, I remind myself to untether from it and focus on my main four: sister, daughter, partner, and friend. My job can exist in the background, and I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling that way.
Thank you Rachael, and yes Nora Ephron fans unite! Wow, you really are hitting on something with this idea that the title can bring to light the difference between fulfillment in work vs other places in our life. I find sometimes my work goals have come naturally and sometimes I'll try to squish them in. The four titles you choose are so lovely, and I think shows how caring you are and how much you do value those close relationships.
I'm with Joshua in actually having an interest in your experience/insight regarding sales. Sales has become a dirty word, and you describe how unfortunate it is that you once identified as a salesperson, but as I watch you work magic in your newly chosen titles what I see is exceptional skill in the creating of relationships. Isn't that what sales is? Rather than your association with sales diminishing how you are perceived I think there is a chance you could help elevate the perception of sales by associating it with yourself and your commitment to human connection.
Rick, I appreciate you saying that! I saw your comment float in on my email and I've been noodling on ideas for articles around sales that could be fun to write. I talk down to that role in my writing, but I did like it for a long while! You're so right that sales is about creating relationships, and I do think sales helped me create better relationships. Not because of the cliche salesman troupes, but because I learned to have boundaries and have tough conversations through my sales experience too. Keep an eye out, I am motivated to write a piece around sales because of yours and Joshua's encouragement. Thank you so much for the kind words as well!
That's awesome. I very much look forward to what you have to share on the subject! My eye is always out for what you share.
“Losing my job was the sobering realization that a large chunk of my identity was tied to how I made money. The beauty of having time off work was that I had plenty of time to sit in my existential crisis. Even though I didn’t have a job title and often questioned my purpose in life, I was happy.”
A thoughtful read and highly relatable. This is indeed inspiring me to write my own take on - “What are the five things that describes me today”.
Thank you so much for your kind comment Shivam! If you come up with five, I'd love to know them or read more about them!